School is in full session and the semester is droning along. No matter where we’re at in life, for many of us, the current season brings excitement. As the year comes to an end, new adventures, fresh plans and goals, new experiences, new people, a busy social schedule and all the jazz that comes with creating a new routine for the new year hypes us up.
Growing up, this was the time of year I dreaded the most. Only recently, have I begun to understand why. I am an introvert.
I am not particularly quiet, and I do work out in the world and I love it. I have things to say and am not afraid to say them. I wear bright colours. All of those things have little to do with being an introvert.
Like many introverts, I have learned how to manage in the busy world and am not particularly shy (though I am when it comes to those ‘mingling’ networking things). I’m not socially awkward (most of the time…or at least I think I’m doing okay!). I can manage fine at public events and enjoy presenting, making videos, interviewing amazing people and all the other things that go along with the work I do. These things have nothing to do with being introverted.
The main differentiating factor between introverts and extroverts is where we gain our energy. Extroverts get it from being out in the world, socializing, stimulating that brain reward centre in big ways, and having those interactions. Introverts re-energize by being alone. Even better for us – being alone in nature.
Our school system and our society in general – our social and corporate worlds – reward people that have more extroverted tendencies. The louder people are, the more confident they appear and the more attention they tend to get – regardless of whether what is being said has value or not. It’s completely the opposite in China, by the way.
I believe it is for this reason that I always dreaded back to school. By the end of the day, being under those fluorescent lights with constant mental and social stimulation, I would feel completely drained. In university I worked out how much of a class I needed to sit in on, and how much I could learn at home from my text books. Never in my life have I studied or done work in a library or a cafe. I can’t work with music on. I can’t even cook with music. Quiet, please.
When I started looking into this a few months ago, I found loads of articles about how introverts can become more like extroverts. Thanks a lot. That’s not where I want to go with this. There is a physical difference in the brains of introverts and extroverts – one component of that being sensitivity to dopamine.
I love this quote from an article in The Atlantic: “For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating.” If we start looking at those we know, or maybe ourselves as the introverts we are by nature, perhaps there are also ways we can better support our wellbeing and the health of those we care about. Here are 5 ways to better care for the introverts in your life (or your own introverted self)
1. Respect The Need For Privacy
As the quote above states, leaving an introvert alone with his or her thoughts is a time for us to rejuvenate, process conversations we’ve had, think through things that have happened, decide on next steps or mull over solutions. Mostly though, time alone is vital to replenish energy. My experience has been that if I have a public event, I typically need a day to properly re-energize. Some say for every hour of socializing, two hours of recuperation is needed. Find the balance and accept it. Recuperation and re-energizing doesn’t necessarily mean sitting and doing nothing. It very well could mean carrying on with work, writing, reading…it likely just means doing it alone. And for those of you with an introvert in your life who requests the occasional time alone: it’s not you; it’s him or her just needing some time.
2. Recognize That Introversion Isn’t A Personality Type, It’s Biology
It is believed that introverts make up roughly 25% of the population. I am guessing it’s more than that, but many people have learned coping behaviors that allow them to succeed in an extroverted world. Needless to say, introverts have a slightly different wiring in the nervous system. This makes us more sensitive to stimuli that others may never notice, whether that be in social interactions, distractions in open concept office settings, or the slight buzzing a light bulb makes when you turn it on. The point is, introverts are extra sensitive to what’s happening in our environment. We can develop tools to allow us to cope better, but the stimuli are still there and we’ll still notice.
3. How About If We Don’t Talk On The Phone?
In my digging into this subject, this one came up over and over and I couldn’t agree more. Phones are not the best best friends of introverts – at least not the part that involves speaking to humans. Email, texting, social media and even video – that we can handle. I’ve never been one to be a small talker on the phone. Call me, we’ll say what needs saying, make our plans, do our business, and then the call should probably end. Begin a conversation with idle chit chat about how hot/cold/humid/windy it is outside and the introvert on the other end of the line is gone (in thought if not in body, too). Feel free to keep talking about the weather, let us know when you’re done and we can get started with the purpose of this call. Introverts typically respond to several social cues when communicating verbally – for this reason, in person conversations are always preferred. Often, even better, communicate through letters or email. Introverts typically want to think through their thoughts, compose what they have to say, review it, think it through some more, sit on it for a day, and then send.
4. Skip the Small Talk
Most introverts have learned to manage social situations, and they’re definitely better off when it’s people they know well and are close with. Many of your favourite speakers, musicians and actors are introverts; they’re just exceptional at their work. It’s the small talk before and after the main event that is the challenge. My comment above about idle weather conversations – it’s the small talk. Wikipedia describes small talk as a “social lubricant”. Introverts would prefer to go forth without the lube and instead discuss how people can call themselves ethical vegans and at the same time support GMO soy production, or intelligently converse about why science is set to disprove the benefits of organics and simultaneously study the rapidly heating oceans and vast dead zones while failing to see a connection to chemical agriculture.
Small talk allows two people to have an entire conversation without really saying anything or actually getting to know each other. The different ways people mispronounce your name or the traffic you sat in to get here isn’t that important. Introverts regard small talk as a necessary hurdle before getting to the juice.
5. Let Them Be. They’re in Their Flow
Tasks that may be daunting, exhausting or terrifying to an extrovert may be the exact thing that brings profound deep levels of happiness to an introvert. These are the times an introvert is in a transcendent or bliss state, often referred to as “being in the flow”, completely engaged in the task at hand. This can often make introverts look like workaholics when in actuality, doing the work itself is rejuvenating, a creative release that even while in process, produces feelings of profound happiness. It’s a subtle kind of happiness that introverts experience and that may be completely unknown to the extrovert.
As Susan Cain puts it in her book Quiet:
‘If you’re an introvert, find your flow by using your gifts. You have the power of persistence, the tenacity to solve complex problems, and the clear-sightedness to avoid pitfalls that trip others up. You enjoy relative freedom from the temptations of superficial prizes like money and status. Indeed, your biggest challenge may be to fully harness your strengths. You may be so busy trying to appear like a zestful, reward-sensitive extrovert that you undervalue your own talents, or feel underestimated by those around you. But when you’re focused on a project that you care about, you probably find that your energy is boundless.’